Alone

I took DS to the airport yesterday. The past few days, I pushed all bits of me away that wanted to cry out and keep him here. I know he had to go, and I was a little afraid that if I pushed too hard, he might just stay. Not to mention that it would only make it harder on him to leave.

So I packed his suitcase Monday morning. I made him a batch of brownies to take on the plane. He made me pancakes like he usually does on mornings we're both home. We watched a movie together. We made sure we each had pictures of each other, and something special that belonged to each other.

And then he left.

I wish I could put into words this feeling of emptiness inside me. I know full well that I'm going to see him while he's there, and that he'll be home in April. Yet I can't get this feeling to go away. I feel like I've lost him.

I did well yesterday for the most part. I caught up on some episodes of Charmed that I'd taped. I watched High Fidelity. Both my mom and his called to make sure I was okay. I lied and said I was. I made popcorn for dinner. Played pogo, and then decided to go to bed.

And that's what killed me. He's always in bed when I go to bed. I've never been to bed before him. And seeing his pillow there, empty, I had to think about all the nights of him not being there ahead of me. I couldn't pretend to be okay any longer, and I cried myself to sleep.

I feel like a zombie today, but I have to go to work and face people. Hopefully, that will help. But really, all I want to do is curl up and wait for him to call.