3 Months

When I woke up this morning, groggy from a dream I had in which I fought continuously with DS, I found myself concocting this amazing post on the weirdness three months alone does to you. However, a long day of work, and the fading of that dream, has left me with little to say.

So while it won't be beautifully written, or insightful, here's where I stand. After three months, I've lost many of the habits that pertained to DS and I living together. This includes what little inclinations I had towards keeping things clean. (Please note that while I don't rinse my dishes everyday, which actually hurts me when I think about it, I do spend at least once a week giving the "dirty" rooms, i.e. bathrooms and kitchen, a good scrub down. I'm not a total slob.) I have likewise picked up some new habits that I know will be weird once he comes home (such as always having the car, not shutting the bathroom door, and keeping a very odd schedule).

I've actually gotten used to eating ravioli's and vegetable soup for all of my meals again. I take up the whole bed when I'm sleeping.

In many ways, I feel similar to how I've felt in the past several months after becoming single again. I find myself thinking of and dreaming of him often, and yet I have become accustomed to his absence. When I close my eyes, I can see him with me, doing things we always use to do together. And yet he feels that way, like a ghost, or a figment of my imagination, even though I talk to him nearly every day.

I suppose the major difference is that I'm not sad, because I do know that soon he'll be home. Yet I'm realizing that even when changes happen that don't fix themselves, such as when family dies, I still tend to take things in stride. I don't react the way many people do, grieving for the loss of people in my life. I remember my first love, who broke up with me after 11 months in high school. I came to school the next day, and went about my day much as I always had. And while I was sad, I didn't feel my life was over, and so I didn't act like it. It didn't seem strange to me, but I remember clearly that people thought I was acting oddly for someone who had just been heartbroken. Life hasn't been much different since then. I am often accused of taking death too lightly, and moving on too quickly from major life changes.

I have to say that I don't mind this about myself. The one time that I really did break down after losing someone, the guy I dated for three years before meeting DS, was one of the worse years of my life. No one person's absence should keep my own life from happening. I wasted an entire year of my life that I can't get back, and that's just so sad to me. Though I am very grateful that those experiences led me to where I am today, and made it possible for me to meet and love DS.

Who I am sure would take a year, if not more, to get over losing if it ever happened. So it's probably a good thing he's just become a ghost to me, and not lost.

I guess this was a really long way of saying that life is lonely around here.