March 25, 2006

3 Months

When I woke up this morning, groggy from a dream I had in which I fought continuously with DS, I found myself concocting this amazing post on the weirdness three months alone does to you. However, a long day of work, and the fading of that dream, has left me with little to say.

So while it won't be beautifully written, or insightful, here's where I stand. After three months, I've lost many of the habits that pertained to DS and I living together. This includes what little inclinations I had towards keeping things clean. (Please note that while I don't rinse my dishes everyday, which actually hurts me when I think about it, I do spend at least once a week giving the "dirty" rooms, i.e. bathrooms and kitchen, a good scrub down. I'm not a total slob.) I have likewise picked up some new habits that I know will be weird once he comes home (such as always having the car, not shutting the bathroom door, and keeping a very odd schedule).

I've actually gotten used to eating ravioli's and vegetable soup for all of my meals again. I take up the whole bed when I'm sleeping.

In many ways, I feel similar to how I've felt in the past several months after becoming single again. I find myself thinking of and dreaming of him often, and yet I have become accustomed to his absence. When I close my eyes, I can see him with me, doing things we always use to do together. And yet he feels that way, like a ghost, or a figment of my imagination, even though I talk to him nearly every day.

I suppose the major difference is that I'm not sad, because I do know that soon he'll be home. Yet I'm realizing that even when changes happen that don't fix themselves, such as when family dies, I still tend to take things in stride. I don't react the way many people do, grieving for the loss of people in my life. I remember my first love, who broke up with me after 11 months in high school. I came to school the next day, and went about my day much as I always had. And while I was sad, I didn't feel my life was over, and so I didn't act like it. It didn't seem strange to me, but I remember clearly that people thought I was acting oddly for someone who had just been heartbroken. Life hasn't been much different since then. I am often accused of taking death too lightly, and moving on too quickly from major life changes.

I have to say that I don't mind this about myself. The one time that I really did break down after losing someone, the guy I dated for three years before meeting DS, was one of the worse years of my life. No one person's absence should keep my own life from happening. I wasted an entire year of my life that I can't get back, and that's just so sad to me. Though I am very grateful that those experiences led me to where I am today, and made it possible for me to meet and love DS.

Who I am sure would take a year, if not more, to get over losing if it ever happened. So it's probably a good thing he's just become a ghost to me, and not lost.

I guess this was a really long way of saying that life is lonely around here.


Spinning Girl said...

I do adore you.

What it sounds like to me, is that you are realistic and resilient, and you realize that what you NEED to survive is actually very little. Other people are the wonderful icing of our lives.

Which is sad in a way, but how else would any of us ever survive the tragedies we are sure to be brought to bear, sooner or later?

I wonder about my "single" habits, and whether I would ever be able to flex myself enough to accommodate someone else. If that ever happens, for me.

He will be home some day, and then you will have room for him again.

Thank you for this lovely post!

Bee said...

:: cry cry cry ::