March 19, 2006


Have you ever Googled yourself?

I do. I hadn't done this in a while, so I tried it this evening. What did I find you ask?

Actually, I find it somewhat disturbing.

  • I'm a famous author of Sci-Fi and Fantasy books in England.
  • I'm a very talented artist of fantasy and nature.
  • I'm a set designer and glass blower.
  • I am without fail, short, dark-haired, and well, me.
Every person that came up with my name is some version of the me I really am. Except they're better... They're successful, and full-blown artists in their chosen fields. And they're good.

And then there's me. Dabbling in everything, succeeding in none. Still searching for that special something I can feel hidden inside. I ask myself quite often, "I thought you could paint? Where's your style?"

I feel books within me. There are beautiful, whimsical sketches and paintings just beyond the mind's eye. It's so frustrating to feel like if I could just find the right key, I could create things without end. The passion is definitely there. At times, even the talent. But the creativity is severely lacking, and the buds wither before they blossom.

In part, I blame this on my being a Virgo. Crafty yes, but also a perfectionist to a fault. Maybe I don't let these things come out, because I always find fault with them. It's not good enough, and I don't want to do anything poorly.

I also blame my inability to decide what I like, and what I want to "be." I want to do everything. A jack of all trades, and a master of none, as they say. I can't even finish the things that are working, like those stupid Christmas ornaments.

Craft night has been helping with these "burning desires" somewhat. But only somewhat. I need a solution, and I'm not sure how to find one within myself. The easiest thing would be for me to fill up my store with great things, but that's also the hardest. I won't let myself do it, and I haven't quite figured out why.

I'm not looking for sympathy, so don't feel obligated to give it. Mostly, I'm just journaling. But thanks for listening.


Spinning Girl said...

This was a lovely, lovely post. I love the way you look at yourself, and you always strive to be better, better, better. You are already so wonderful in so many ways!!!

Bee said...

Oh I know exactly how you feel. Ex.Act.Ly. I've started about twenty articles/short stories/paintings/crafts/refinishing projects, all of which remained partially-finished because I'm never quite satisfied with the result. The only thing I can see through to the end is cooking a meal and rearranging furniture.

On a side note, My eyelids are so puffy I can barely see.
My cats, however, are somewhat happy that Bobi has vacated premises as he was getting pretty good at shooing them away. (allergies)

uph_man said...

Well, sweetie, you are definitely 100% my daughter. At 43 I still struggle with many of the same things as you. The part of being too "picky" about your work combined with procrastination probably holds you back. I know this about myself too, and still can't seem to change it. Maybe it's that I prefer to be a 'lil eccentric and really shine in a few things to please others and be a "jack of all trades" to please myself. whatever it is, be it good or bad, you are definitely my kid. :)

kimberlina said...

we are peas in a pod, you and i. and... probably a lot of other people.

my friend gave me "the artist's way" a while back (like, 3 years ago) and i decided tonight to read it to try and unblock myself.

craft nights are definitely a HUGE help. *hug* and wine. wine helps. ;)