Working on a Transition

The band has been hard at work on our second album.  We write songs two different ways as far as I can tell.  The first is that someone starts noodling while we're all together, and we all join in and just jam until we find the sweet spot.  The second is a little more structured, though not much.  Someone usually works out a part for their instrument and then brings it to practice when they're happy with it.  Then we all join in and jam until we find the sweet spot.  I have a hard time writing on my flute, which is what I usually play in the band, and tend to make my writing contributions via the piano.  Typically, these have been simpler chord progressions, so our pianist still has a lot of writing to do to flesh it out.  However, this one I've got on the burner is turning into a full fledged piano piece.

I've got a lot of solid ground work laid for it, but I'm having trouble with one of the transitions.  There's a place with the key signature modulates, and I thought I had something worked out, but DS doesn't like it. With just the two of us, I can't be sure if it's just personal taste, or if my near tone deafness is making my life hard again.  We have practice on Thursday (I hope), so perhaps I can get it close enough to finished that we can open it up to the rest of the band by then.  It's always interesting to hear how different your melody becomes once five other people write parts on top of it.