time for some cuddly kitty action

Mandala Therapy

My birthday present from my best friend from home, Kel, was a Mandala meditation kit. According to the book, simply coloring these designs will help me be calm and centered. I spent the last two days doing this one. Now I'm supposed to meditate on the end result.

Say it with me

Well, my therapist says that while I definitely have aspects, I do not have full blown borderline personality disorder. So that's good. He doesn't have the ability to prescribe meds though, so I'm seeing a psychiatrist sometime next month. My regular doctor doesn't think Paxil is my best option any more. That is both terrifying and a relief.

What my therapist can do is give me mantras to say to myself when I get upset. Supposedly, these will allow me to just be regular ol' sad and not depressed.

So say it with me!
"I am both lovable and have issues"
"Not everything that makes me happy hurts other people"

ZZZZzzzzzz....

Valium... sleepy...

Texas is a hot and dusty state

I learned a very important thing about myself this weekend. I do not belong at three-day music festivals, especially in Texas.

Highlights:
1. Saw Bjork. Totally freakin awesome. There's nothing cuter than that woman saying thank you after each song.
2. Learned I can actually appreciate meat when it's cut and cooked properly. Which means everything else I've ever had has been a sorry excuse for meat...

Drawbacks:
1. Got lots of blisters on my feet.
2. Learned Sleep Number beds are the worst beds known to man. How the heck do people sleep on those things? I've never woken up so sore in my life.
3. I'm allergic to Texas. I needed my inhaler just to breathe by the end of the trip.
4. Had a panic attack Sunday night. And then again this morning. An awesome new development in my deteriorating mental state.
5. Was the source of a fight between my two best friends, the result of which is that I feel as if I've lost them both. Options: Stick around and be the source of jealousy and friction or leave and lose my two best friends. Just great.

Conclusion:
I'm miserable. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Seriously. I feel like hyperventilating everytime I leave my apartment, or just thinking about leaving my apartment. And I'm not allowed to die, according to DS, so I'm waiting on a phone call from my doctor who seems to be too busy to help me.

Yup, Texas sucks ass. I'm going to go bury myself in my bed.

Catch up

Lots of this on my blog lately.... sorry guys.

1. Saw the Flaming Lips for free. Dude walked over the crowd in a giant bubble. Nutso, yet totally awesome.

2. Going to therapy. So far it sucks. Trying to hold out for the making me feel better part.

3. Heading to Austin, Tx tomorrow for the ACL music festival. Driving... Let's hope I have enough books and cd's to make it there an back with my sanity intact.

4. Have finally gotten DS to enjoy reading, more than 8 sentences at a time. He's plowing through Harry Potter books. In fact, he's read 4 books in the last month alone, and one was a random book about tree climbers. I think aliens have stolen my husband.

5. Did you know there's an OCD dedicated specifically to peeling off your own skin? It's called dermatillomania, and I'm pretty sure I have it. At least, I have to wear band-aids on my thumbs to keep from picking, because even bleeding doesn't deter me. EW.

6. There's a similar disorder related to pulling out your own hair. Can't really put a band-aid on that, so I feel lucky.

7. My birthday's tomorrow, and I will officially (in my mind) no longer be what I consider a "young adult". I'm not worried though, because I'm young no matter what my age. My blankey says so. 26, here I come!

8. I go through phases with my satellite radio, and I'm re-falling in love with channel 26, Left of Center.

9. The high today was 66. I think fall is finally coming. I can't tell you how happy this makes me.

10. Of course, it's slightly tainted by the 90 degree weather I'm about to drive into.

11. I'm about to start listening to the Count of Monte Cristo on my ipod. I hope it's as awesome as my friend Anne says it is.

12. Speaking of books, I started my own book club. It's called "let's get drunk and talk about books". So far, we've read Stardust, and I believe we got as far as "who was your favorite character" before we moved on to playing boardgames.

13. I'm cool with that, because at least it got people to come to my house.

14. I've finally decided it might be worthwhile to learn to cook.

15. I blame Alton Brown for this. And also Matt and Anne, who made me the most amazing baked macaroni and cheese I've ever had in my entire life.

16. As it turns out, I can sautee a mean shrimp, and mash a mean potato. DS is quite pleased with this prospect.

17. Might be gone for a while, but don't worry. I'm sure I'll be fine, just busy or something. If you know my e-mail address, feel free to use it. I check that everyday. If you have facebook or myspace or anything along those lines, don't expect fast responses. I've been internet lazy lately.