February 19, 2014


Things have been difficult around here.  A slow build up of one thing after another, with no breaks, no relief.  Yesterday things came to a head and I just broke down.  I spent some time sobbing on my kitchen floor while the kids napped.  That uncontrolled kind where the sounds coming out of you aren't even really human.  Not my best moment.

This week, DS is off in California for a conference.  Taking care of the kids by myself from dawn to dusk and then some is beyond exhausting.  It doesn't help that we've been snowed in for the past month.  Longer if you count the time before when it was just too cold to take them outside.  They're also going through a mental leap right now, and the start of those is always filled with tears.  They were better today.  We always seem to have one day of each leap's fussy phase where it's nothing but tears and screaming from morning to night.  Hopefully it stays at the one.

We seem to have a multitude of expenses since the new year.  Bear's emergency room bill came from his "I'm going to swallow a stick today" incident.  The washing machine broke.  My car failed inspection.  DS's car wasn't even starting.  Our tax return came at just the right time, but it's also a little depressing that it couldn't go to something more exciting.

Do you know until a few weeks ago I'd never been separated for more than 3 hours from my kids?  And that one day I was I was doing something I hated and actually cried while I was out.  I still don't have any close friends here, though I've gained a few acquaintances.  One of those lives close and might turn into something; we'll see.  Basically, in the last 9 months or so, the only person I've had any contact with is DS.  As much as I love my kids, they aren't company in the sense I need.  It's incredibly lonely and disheartening to feel so cut off from the world.  It's not doing good things for my parenting skills either.

I have this permanent soreness in my shoulders and neck from being tense all the time.  I know exercise would help, but finding the motivation has been difficult.  I feel so exhausted all the time.

I'm just in a bad place.  I don't think I realized just how bad until DS left and I lost the one human contact I had.  I've started trying to dig myself out.  I had a play date today, and I'm going to some mom event in the neighborhood tomorrow with the boys.  I have some workout dvds coming for extra motivation on that front.  But a lot of this stuff I just don't think I can fix.  I can't seem to find a way to make extra money to cover things like a babysitter or a night out, or even taking off some of the stress of trying to figure out how to make it to the end of the month.  I mean, I don't want to give the impression that we're poor, because we're not.  But our budget is very tight right now.

I'm trying to spend more time actively engaged with the kids, even though all I want to do is hide in another room and breathe.  I'm starting to fear that their skills are lagging behind because I'm not encouraging and working with them.  I know that comparatively, I'm not a bad parent.  They're happy, and fed, and healthy.  But I know I could be doing so much better with not all that much effort.  I wish I had some kind of "teacher's workbook" for parenting.  "Day 410: laugh 20 times, find all the red things in the house, sing 10 songs, read 5 books."  I do so much better with things when I have clear instructions.

I'm looking forward to my husband coming home.  He acts like he doesn't do much around here, but I can tell you that I wasn't hyperventilating before he left.  I'm not sure how he handles everything he does.  He's a superdad.  Also, the weather is starting to improve.  It's still touch and go, but you start to get the sense that winter won't last forever, even if it is still here.  As much as I love winter, I'll be happier to have them when the kids are old enough can be bundled up to play in the snow.

Maybe tomorrow I will list out all the good things, but tonight I just needed to get out the bad.  Sometimes it helps just to get things down on paper and off your chest.

1 comment:

Lisa said...

I feel like you described every bad day I had when Ellie was little. While I loved being able to be at home with her, I felt incredibly isolated. I still have a hard time being away from E, especially on bad days at school.
I only have two pieces of advice and I only say them because they helped me:
1. My mom told me this. If you can leave them in a safe place (a crib, maybe) and go sit for 5 or 10 minutes, they will be fine. Give them a book or a toy, and make sure they're safe, and take a Mommy Time Out. Crying is acceptable during time. I had plenty of crying moments like you described.
2. While I understand your concern for their learning, playing is learning. Even when it looks like they're just throwing blocks, they're learning. Don't stress about it too much.
Also, feel free to call or text me any time. I mean it.