Quiet Alone Time

My favorite time?  Probably not, though I cherish it.  I cannot live without it.  Hearing my kids laugh, and then having my husband laugh at them laughing, that's my favorite time.  I can't even describe to you how awesome that is.  I was talking with another twin mom the other day and one of her friends who chose not to have kids asked, "Other than graduation and getting married, are there any high points to having kids?"  She seriously thinks that having children is a life sucking drudgery with a few bright spots.  I can see why she decided not to have them.  I myself didn't realize just how much my days would be filled with bright spots.  Monkey has found his toes, and they're both rolling over.  They get better at it every day, soon it will be on purpose more often than not.  Parenthood.  It is a gift.  A gift you work hard for.  So much better than the first 4 months had me believe.

My mom and her husband are in town for Memorial Day.  So of course I've eaten something that has the kids super pukey, haha!  Whoops.  Tip: Bring an extra shirt when you come to my house.  I'm so happy they've made it up here.  I know my mom takes the distance especially hard right now, so I'm always grateful when she gets time with the babes.  They were having a bit of stranger danger the first day, but today was pretty good.  Laughter and grilled pork chops and a trip to store to buy flowers for the yard.  There was a moment when I had Monkey in my lap and I turned in a way that put my hair over his head.  My mom thought it was hilarious, so we spent some time fashioning wigs for boys with our own hair and taking pictures.

Tomorrow they'll be 5 months old.  What.

I finished A Storm of Swords, and it was amazing.  So much insanity.  I kind of want to start the next one already, but I also promised to beta read something.  Perhaps I'll try to do both at the same time.

I was going to spend this time watching the finale of The Office (US), but I can't bring myself to finish it just yet.  I'm not ready for it to be over.  I do this with books too, taking my time getting around to the final book.  My brain seems to think that as long as I haven't finished it, the world still exists.  It's more real.  I don't understand it.  So instead I'm writing this.  And then I plan to try to catch up with the Fug Girls.

Mother's Day 2013

Today was so lovely!  I got to sleep in until 10am.  HOLY COW!  Half the time even when DS is home in the mornings giving me the possibility of more sleep, the babes will wake me up with their squalling.  They were so good!

I got my choice of breakfast, which was even offered in bed.  I chose not to eat there though, because I've been insanely clumsy since the babies were born and I rather like my bed dry.  Thankfully that clumsiness seems to not include baby handling.  So far.

The kids got me stuffed representations of themselves, and there was a card from each of them with little notes inside.  DS also got me a card with a gift card to Home Depot for plants for my garden, permission to buy myself a patio lounge, and homemade coupons.  They crack me up, especially the one for breakfast in bed that says around the edges, "OMG! WTF! BBQ!"  He asked if I knew what it was, and I don't, but he never explained.

The weather was gorgeous today.  We went for a walk and got some ice cream and sat on a bench at the train station.  We got the best frozen turkey pot pie I've ever had for dinner.  It was like it was homemade, which is probably why it was a bit pricey.  Those were quality ingredients!  I had my choice of dinners and I wouldn't have expected that's what I'd pick, but I saw it in the store and couldn't resist.  We stopped at the park on the way home to attempt the kids in swings again.  I forgot how necessary extra blankets were to keeping them steady last time, and Bear very quickly knocked his head on the swing when he tipped forward.  Of course there was another mom in the park, and of course she looked at me like, "seriously, you just put your 4 mo old kid in that spacious swing?"  But she graciously said nothing and was nice to us while we were there.

DS got some lovely pictures of me with the boys, which I adore.  I'm rarely in their photos because I'm usually taking them, so I'm happy to have these.  I also have video of DS tickling Monkey and him laughing hysterically.  It's so amazing.  DS was laughing so hard he teared up a bit.

I had a nice long conversation with my own mother, who I'll be seeing in 2 weeks.  DS got to talk to his as well.  There was also a super long bubble bath, my first in the new house.  The tub is smaller than I want, but perhaps one day we'll make improvements and I can fulfill my dream of submerging my whole body at will.  The important thing is that the water was hot, the bubbles were plenty, and I was able to read in peace for as long as I wanted.  It was bliss.  I can't remember the last time I was that pruney, and I'm known for my long showers.

Today was a perfect balance of relaxing, peaceful, indulgent, and fun.  I hope I can provide DS with something just as nice on Father's Day.

Thoughts on the Eve of My First Mother's Day

I am excited for tomorrow.  My first Mother's Day as an actual mom!  I was pregnant this time last year, but it's totally not the same.  My husband has already started pampering me.  I got french toast for breakfast this morning, and he knew I was close to serious business happening in A Storm of Swords so I got dedicated reading time.  I even went to a local herb sale this morning to stock up on new plants for this summer's garden.

Motherhood is not at all how I imagined it.  All I could compare it to beforehand was owning cats.  I love my cats so much.  DS and I have always called them our children.  "How are the kids, are they behaving?"  I would think about how much I love Winston and try to extrapolate that.  Honestly, it kind of scared me.  I thought I might bust if I felt that much.

So it was a bit disappointing when I didn't feel like I would explode at the seams with love.  Maybe some of that was how long I had to wait to see them after they were born.  But my love for them has been more of a work in progress.  I'm not sure this is a bad thing.  Maybe I did love them oh so much, but I have to say that my emotions were strange in general after I had them.  So many hormones and physical trauma to recover from.  And then there was the NICU stay, and the reflux, and the learning to breastfeed, and the doing it all with no one around to help us.  Life was hard, and I was tired, and sometimes I wanted to punt my children off the balcony.

But imagine if I'd felt this huge swell of love at first, and then felt all that stuff afterwards.  Would I have thought I was falling out of love with them?  That would have been so horrible.  This way seems better now that I've lived it.  Even while experiencing all the extremely trying moments two tiny babies bring in the early months, I knew I would not give them up for anything.  And that one certain feeling has blossomed into something joyful that is kind of amazing.

I can't even describe to you the fierce pride I feel when one of them accomplishes a new thing.  Little things that prior to being a mother I would have thought it was silly to even notice.  Monkey's foot reached the ground in the Jumper today and he pushed.  It was the smallest gesture, and I was insanely proud of him.  Then later Monkey is bawling and puking and I'm rocking him, and Bear is just sitting in his little seat entertaining himself, and we lock eyes and it's like he says, "Don't worry Mom, I've got this, do what you need to do."  Heart melt.

It's not always sunshine and rainbows (see above puke reference), but I am really enjoying finding all of those rainbows.  I'm even laughing that this came out of my mouth today: "It's okay, it's the pre-curdled kind.  That's the type of puke we like!"  I mean really, if love isn't why I said that happily, I don't want to know.

DS has told me that he will try to manage the babies on his own as much as possible tomorrow.  I realized today that I wouldn't want to go a whole day without them.  I know I used to think it would be heavenly, and I still think breaks are good (like right now), but a whole day?  It would seem I look forward to those little turds.

This is what happens when you have one baby that cries when you put him down (hence the carrier) and then the other one cries too.  It's cool, I've got this.

So yeah, motherhood.  Different than I expected, but better I think.  Kind of reminds me how I felt when I met DS.  All the things I never knew I wanted.

This is a conversation right?*

Life is weird right now.  I'm still trying desperately to finish unpacking things in our new house.  I'd really love for it to be done when my parents come to stay.  However, the boys are teething, so getting anything at all done feels like Herculean task.  I do manage a few things a day, some days more than others, so there's progress.  Just often of the snail variety.

I feel like I'm forgetting what it's like to speak with adults in a real language.  Generally the only person I see is my husband.  We're currently getting about an hour where we calm babies and feed them and often can't hear each other, then maybe, if I'm lucky, an hour to sit zombie like on the couch.  Then he goes to bed so he can get up with them at 4:30 in the morning.  I like to take this time to myself as a sort of cleansing time.  It's sacred, even though it inevitably means I'll be tired tomorrow.  I just don't think I can handle having my every waking moment be twin time.  Having time to myself at night lets me enjoy their company the next day, even though those days are filled with drool, puke, and tears.

They're getting to be more fun though.  Today Monkey was laughing as I threw him in the air, that's new.  I watched him play with this hole-y sphere thing with his hands.  Bear went from crying to explosive happiness when I brought him close to Monkey so they could interact.  These are lovely things and they make the crying times so much easier to handle.  But seriously, the teething is uncool.  It's not that it's the worst thing to deal with out of all the other issues we've dealt with, but more like it comes right when you feel like you've gotten a handle on the rest.  I thought we were there.  Parenting is kind of exhausting that way.  Other twin moms tell you, "It doesn't get easier, just different."  Yeah.  Awesome.  I see that.

So it's this weird mix of amazing things and exhausting things and kind of sad things.  DS took Monkey to bed when he finally stopped crying tonight and never came back.  He didn't even eat dinner.

This will be my first Mother's Day this weekend.  I want to sleep in.  I want to play Sim City for a few hours.  I kind of want brunch and a trip to the zoo, but I don't want to deal with other people.  I want a lounge chair so I can sit in my new yard and read a book and enjoy the weather.  I hope the weather is enjoyable.  If not for lounging outside, I'll take a strong thunderstorm too.

My mom sent me chocolate covered strawberries for Mother's Day.  They're huge and decadent and delicious and were totally unexpected.  I love them.

I have thoughts brewing for Father's Day; trying to narrow them down.

There's a fly in my house.  Sometimes I think I hate flies more than spiders.  Spiders might terrify me, but they keep flying by my face when I'm sleeping either.

A Song of Ice and Fire.. man.  I wish someone was reading at the exact same pace as me so I could have completely spoiler free conversations as I go.

Is there anything better than baby laughter?

I am so starved for human interaction that I actually got into a debate on the internet today.  It was about something I didn't even care about really, and I was just initially offering a possible alternate viewpoint because it bothers me when people think things are black and white.  Maybe sometimes they are, but usually they're messy.  I actually chose to continue debating this topic after I started getting queasy  which always happens to me during any kind of confrontation, even friendly debates.  I'm starved enough for conversation that I chose to be queasy.

I guess if you ever read this anymore Mom, you'll know why I call you so much, haha.  Love you :)

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*More like word vomiting.