March 19, 2006

Googling

Have you ever Googled yourself?

I do. I hadn't done this in a while, so I tried it this evening. What did I find you ask?

Actually, I find it somewhat disturbing.

  • I'm a famous author of Sci-Fi and Fantasy books in England.
  • I'm a very talented artist of fantasy and nature.
  • I'm a set designer and glass blower.
  • I am without fail, short, dark-haired, and well, me.
Every person that came up with my name is some version of the me I really am. Except they're better... They're successful, and full-blown artists in their chosen fields. And they're good.

And then there's me. Dabbling in everything, succeeding in none. Still searching for that special something I can feel hidden inside. I ask myself quite often, "I thought you could paint? Where's your style?"

I feel books within me. There are beautiful, whimsical sketches and paintings just beyond the mind's eye. It's so frustrating to feel like if I could just find the right key, I could create things without end. The passion is definitely there. At times, even the talent. But the creativity is severely lacking, and the buds wither before they blossom.

In part, I blame this on my being a Virgo. Crafty yes, but also a perfectionist to a fault. Maybe I don't let these things come out, because I always find fault with them. It's not good enough, and I don't want to do anything poorly.

I also blame my inability to decide what I like, and what I want to "be." I want to do everything. A jack of all trades, and a master of none, as they say. I can't even finish the things that are working, like those stupid Christmas ornaments.

Craft night has been helping with these "burning desires" somewhat. But only somewhat. I need a solution, and I'm not sure how to find one within myself. The easiest thing would be for me to fill up my store with great things, but that's also the hardest. I won't let myself do it, and I haven't quite figured out why.

I'm not looking for sympathy, so don't feel obligated to give it. Mostly, I'm just journaling. But thanks for listening.

3 comments:

Spinning Girl said...

This was a lovely, lovely post. I love the way you look at yourself, and you always strive to be better, better, better. You are already so wonderful in so many ways!!!

Bee said...

Oh I know exactly how you feel. Ex.Act.Ly. I've started about twenty articles/short stories/paintings/crafts/refinishing projects, all of which remained partially-finished because I'm never quite satisfied with the result. The only thing I can see through to the end is cooking a meal and rearranging furniture.

On a side note, My eyelids are so puffy I can barely see.
My cats, however, are somewhat happy that Bobi has vacated premises as he was getting pretty good at shooing them away. (allergies)

kimberlina said...

we are peas in a pod, you and i. and... probably a lot of other people.

my friend gave me "the artist's way" a while back (like, 3 years ago) and i decided tonight to read it to try and unblock myself.

craft nights are definitely a HUGE help. *hug* and wine. wine helps. ;)